I Don't Know
by ObsessiveDevil
Summary: Why did Itachi leave Naruto Alive? He doesnt know, but its bugging him. ItaNaru. rated M for Langauge, and cinical humour as well as some, err... questionable themes. 7 different, but related one-shots. But not actually finished. Never will be. Sorry.
1. Chapter 1

-1**"I Don't Know"**

**Warnings: Tones of swearing. Tiny mention of incest but not serious. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto**

Why did Itachi leave Naruto alive? He doesn't know, but its bugging him.

I know what he's thinking, Kisame must be the easiest person alive, to read that is. Especially at times like this. Kisame is very easy to read. He's thinking 'why did Itachi leave the nine-tails?'

Its actually a very good question. That annoying kids so weak, and its not like I couldn't take out the sanin with a blink of my eye. Literally. And then little Sasuke showing up. That was a joke. Sure, he's improved, but did he not think that I would be improving too? It _is _simple logic, and compared to he, he's exactly the same as he was when we were kids.

Now Kisame's giving me that weird look, as if its all _my _fault Jiyaira isn't dead and neither of us are carrying a struggling Naruto over our shoulder. _He _had a part to play too! So I wish he'd stop trying to suss out why I left the kid. Why didn't he do anything?

Okay, what would happen if we managed to catch the kyuubi? We will take him to the Akatsuki lair, suck the kyuubi out of the kid, and then, most likely, Naruto will…

Why cant I say 'die'? I can say Kisame will die. So why not Naruto? As if it's impossible to say the kids name and the word in the same sentence. The blonde is just so full of life, I can't kill him.

Oh this is retarded! I killed my entire fucking clan for Gods sake! So why can't I kill the Kyuubi host? This makes no sense!

"Itachi?" I know what he's going to ask. He's giving me that look, the one where they size you up and wonder if your going soft. Oh god… I better not be going soft. "Why did you leave him?" he asks, and I'm about to reply with some snappy comment, but I realise something; I don't know.

I; the Uchiha prodigy, super-genius, who killed his entire clan and joined an organisation of mass murderers 4 years ago, don't know. I haven't been able to say those three simple words since I joined the academy back in Konoha. The Itachi Uchiha, that being me, hasn't said 'I don't know' in over 10 years. But now, faced with those innocent blue eyes, I don't have a friggin' clue!

Wait… innocent blue eyes? I'm not a bloody poet! Jesus, what am I thinking?

"Itachi?"

'Crap' I almost shout as I fall from the branch I'd been sitting on while I mused. Luckily I don't, that would be very un-Itachi like. Instead I just catch the branch and swing back up, glaring at the damned shark. Kisame doesn't seem phased, then again neither would I if I had a sword about twice the size of me strapped to my back. Bastard.

"You can't do it, can you?" he asks, wait… shit! How easily am I to read? I try to act innocent… oh my god! Me? Innocent? It takes awhile to stop from bursting out laughing. Anyway, my "innocent" 'I don't know what you're talking about' act fails miserably. "You can't kill him, can you?"

Why is he fricken' asking anyway? Can _he _kill that brat?

"I'm only asking because it may not be a good idea to go after him if you're going to be like this. Maybe we can swap with Sasori and Deidara?" he says. Hold on… what the-? Can he read my mind? And what's he trying to suggest? I don't have a fucking disease! And sure as hell I'm swapping with those arty, arrogant, idiotic losers! I can take the fricken' kyuubi! Just you watch me you damn shark! Kisame just smirks. God, he's such a dick sometimes.

We keep on travelling in silence, that is, until I feel someone's presence behind me. Someone with some serious chakra. Kisame stops and I come to a halt beside him. We turn to see- oh, well isn't this perfect… its Naruto! Kisame smirks at me, who does he think he is? I give him the finger.

"Teenager." he whispers, I can almost God-damn _feel _him roll his eyes. I'm 20, give me a break.

"You… why did you do that Sasuke?" asks the blonde, "Your own brother!" oh sure! Make me out to be the bad guy! Oh wait, I guess I am…

"What do you care? Are you fucking him?" I can see he's getting pissed off; it's hilarious. I also notice Kisame wincing, which is an extra bonus.

"No" he says simply, "Are you?" Fuck! This kids bitchy! Oh crap… the images! Ew, ew, ew! Okay, he now deserves anything I throw at him. Which this time just so happens to be a shuriken. Damn kid dodges- but I do graze his shoulder. Kisame's probably laughing at me, I barely ever miss. Hn.

Oh great, now Naruto's getting all worked up. Oh crap! He better not start crying or something!

"he's your brother! Your family!" he shouts, I sit down on a branch and look him over.

"Hate to break it to ya kid," I say, this is the first time I notice those little scars on his cheeks look like whiskers. How fitting. "But I murdered my family." the look on his face is so priceless. So cute! Did I just say cute? But… Naruto looks so scared, no, now he just looks upset… oh crap! He _is _going to cry!

Kisame's looking at me again, but it isn't nearly as bad as that unwavering teary stare Naruto is insisting on giving me. It would be okay if he's just _**blink**_!

"Are you going to kill him or not?" asks Kisame. I spare him a glance, what type of question is that? I'd kill him… eventually. I look at the kid. I don't think he's blinked yet. Ah! The tears! If he starts crying I really don't know what I'll do!

"How? How could you do that? Y… your family! D… didn't they love you? D-didn't y-you" oh god, he's not even trying to stifle the water works! Before I can stop myself I've got him pinned to the floor with my hand over his mouth and I'm sitting on his hips and he's giving me that pure, scared shitless little look. Fuck! That bastard bit me!

"You little shit!" I shout, pulling me hand up and resisting the tempting urge to suck it. I swear it makes it hurt less! He just pokes his tongue out. Little bastard. Who does he think he is? Laying there with his hair framing his innocent little face, tears falling silent down his cheeks as he looks up at me with those half pleading half _teasing _eyes.

Oh for gods sake! When did I become some sappy, arty, writer person?

"You make me sick!" he shouts, he's trying to get up, but I've got him pinned down with both hands holding his hands to the ground just above his head. I briefly wonder _how_ I make him sick, and so I raise my eyebrows. "You had a family! People who loved you, and would keep on loving you no matter how bad you screwed up! And you… you killed them! Leaving Sasuke to…"

Fuck. I don't care what he's saying but the damn kids making me feel responsible for his problems. Messed up bastard… not that I can talk. I just want him to shut up! "Be quiet" I say, but the kid just keeps on talking! I can't put a hand over his mouth because I am using both of them to pin him down. Besides, he'd probably just bloody bite me again. But dear god, he had to be quiet soon. I've got to find a way to silence him!

……

Shit!

What the _fuck _am I _doing? _I… I didn't even think! Oh Jesus, what must Kisame be thinking right now? What must _Naruto_ be thinking right now? I know people say you can silence someone with a kiss, but I didn't mean to actually do it! It was just something Deidara had said one time! But… it feels kinda nice… oh shit! I am _NOT _thinking this!

I quickly pull away and sit up, still sitting on him, not really caring about pinning him down anymore as I clamp my hands over my mouth. I just kinda stare at him, completely confused as to what the hell I just did.

Oh fuck, shit, bloody, hell, crap, bugger, wank, cunt, twat, bastard, bitch! Oh hell… I am so utterly done for…

He sits up and looks up so he's looking me in the eye. Damn, whatever happened to scared Naruto?

"I… I didn't… mean…" why am I trying to explain myself to this kid? And-oh my god! He's hugging me! He better not be getting the wrong idea!

Okay, I really can't help it. Sue me. This guy is running chakra through his fingers, and running his fingers up and down my back. It feels _so _good! And I just can't help but wrap my own arms around his waist and rest my head on his. Closing my eyes and willing him not to stop. I'd have stopped him from doing this, but the brats basically working magic with his fingers. He presses a little more forcefully against my back and I really can't help but let out a short sigh. This, though incredibly embarrassing, _feels _fantastic!

I take Naruto by the waist and carry him up the nearest tree quickly. Standing on a branch I pin him against the trunk and look down at where Zetsu appears out of the scenery. I quickly cover the kids eyes with my hand. It's best he doesn't see more Akatsuki members. Then he'd know what to expect. I use my other hand to rip my jacket and I blindfold him. This way I can use both hands to pin him more effectively.

"What were you doing that for?" I ask in a whisper, keeping my eyes on where Kisame and Zetsu are conversing.

"Why did you kiss me?" okay, I _don't_ blush! But I'll admit I came pretty damn close then. If you saw what I just saw then you would too. Meaning a blindfolded Naruto pinned to a tree, his cheeks and nose still a little red from crying asking you why you kissed him. Now I feel really dirty and perverted.

"I didn't mean or want to." I reply, looking back down at the Akatsuki members.

"I hugged you to get you even more of your guard." he says after a moment, "However, you seemed to be enjoying it."

That bastard, doesn't he know I can just chuck him down there to get eaten by Zetsu? Well, no, he doesn't. but I can! I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn round. What the- when the hell were there two Narutos? One's bad enough. In surprise I let go of the first Naruto to stare, completely dumbstruck at the second.

"You're fooled easily." says the first Naruto. The new one has to be a shadow clone, but when did he get the time to make the hand-signs? I've been watching him all this time! Oh wait! The hug! He ran chakra through his fingers and into me so I wouldn't notice when he quickly made a shadow clone. There was already so much chakra running through me I didn't notice when he was using extra chakra… he even took the extra precaution of pressing more chakra into me when he actually summoned the clone. When did the brat get so smart?

"Give me a break kid." I say, kicking the clone and watching it disappear. Turning back to Naruto I see he's taken off the blindfold I made. How rude. I raise my eyebrows, but he doesn't seem like he's about to try and escape, instead he just looks down at Kisame and Zetsu.

"Friends of yours?"

I shrug, why are we acting so civil. We're supposed to be enemies. "Why aren't you trying to escape?" I ask. Wow, talk about blunt Itachi. Naruto just smiles at me, though its more of an 'you're an idiot' smile. Compared to the nice smile he uses for his team mates. Oh great, now I feel inferior to Sasuke. How messed up is that? Okay, new mission! I must make Naruto smile like he does for his team mates! Oh no… this train of thoughts is dangerous.

"I have some questions"

"Ask your sensei."

"You're the only one who can answer them!"

He's pinned me the same way I had him pinned. I know I can get out of it easily, but I don't make a move to, he's perked my interest. So I simply wait for him to continue. He glares at me.

"Why do you think I'm here?"

_'cuz you're stupid…_

"Why did you murder your family?"

_to see how strong I was… mostly._

"Why did you leave Sasuke alive?"

_to have a challenge in later years. And partially to make him suffer…_

"Why did you try to kidnap me?"

_Akatsuki orders_

"Why didn't you?"

_I don't… I don't know._

let's stop the interview! I think, putting my arm around his waist to stop him from moving. If I'm going to try and make him laugh the least he could do as stick around and listen.

"Why did the skeleton cross the road?" I say, "To get to the second hand shop!"

…

Well okay, that didn't work. He's just staring at me blankly.

"err… okay! Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels!" wow, that time he rolled his eyes… now that's just rude.

"Why did the boy eat his homework? Because he thought it was a piece of cake!" no… then… "why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!"

Jesus… this kid has no sense of humour.

"Knock Knock!"

"Who's there?" he's sighing! I must make me laugh soon!

"Boo!"

"Boo who?"

"Don't cry! It's only a joke!"

"You're useless… can I go now?"

Ah! No! "No wait! What colour does Rudolf's nose go when he has a cold… oh no wait, that's not a joke at all… it's a riddle…" I let go of him. God, I really do suck at this joke telling stuff. But… is he laughing?

"You… you are so- so stupid!" he laughs out. Well, at least he's laughing. I'll let the stupid comment slip by. "Why- why were you telling me jokes anyway?"

"I like your smile." oh crap! I didn't mean to say that! He stops laughing.

"Itachi?"

I nod

"I like you."

Well, that was unexpected. He only met me a couple of hours ago! I just kinda stare at him blankly.

"you're funny… in a way. And you haven't killed me yet, which is good. And it's nice to be able to hug someone without them pushing me away." his expression darkens. Oh dear. "But I also hate you. I cant forgive what you've done to Sasuke. You took a great thing for granted and killed it. For me, and people like me, who don't have a family or many friends, that's unbearable."

I look at him, I don't regret killing them, it just isn't the type of thing I want t hear about from him. He's making feel like its all my fault for his suffering. Again. Even when I know its not.

"I know you and those people down there wont stop hunting me. But you should know I don't give up easily." he quickly kisses me, and even if I'm going to stop it, which I'll admit I'm not, I don't have time. It's over with in a second, and then he's gone.

I drop back down to meet with Kisame and Zetsu.

"Where is the Kyuubi child?" asks that freakish plant man. I smirk.

"He's gone."

"Where?" asks Kisame. I look at him and shrug. When I think about it, there's a lot of things I don't know.


	2. Chapter 2

-1**"I Don't Care, Just Don't Eat Me"**

**Warnings: Tonnes of swearing, Shounen-ai.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto**

**Itachi has matured a bit in this fic, compared to the last, but there are about 70 swear words in this one. Which is more then last time. But I did get rid of all the blasphemy. I think. But when I say matured, he hasn't really. He's just more… accepting. **

By 'popular' demand, the second instalment (its more like a sequel, but I don't like that word much, I don't know why, I'm strange) of 'I don't know' the ItaNaru fic. This has the same pairing, and also some DeiTobi

Kisame, once again, is being the biggest asshole I know. I mean, is it not enough that he has to tease me constantly on missions, but does he have to bring it up at _dinner_?

Sounds cheesy doesn't it? But this isn't our usual dinner of a mangy bag of chips in some secluded hide out while were running away from some big guy with a gun. Actually, when was the last time that happened? that's just me over-reacting. Anyway, this is the Akatsuki's version a _huge_ family dinner. I look around at all the familiar faces staring at me, give Kisame my best 'Uchiha death glare' and return my attention back to my food. There is no friggen way I'm gunna answer that question. Bloody bastard.

I mean 'so how's your little fox?' what type of question is that anyway? Now everyone's staring at me trying to figure out what the hell that damned shark means. And sure as hell I'm gunna tell them. Three weeks since the kyuubi kid got away from us and Kisame's convinced I let him get away on purpose… well, I _did_, but its getting annoying hearing Kisame say it all the time. It's not like I'm _in love _with the brat or anything! Kisame's gotten completely the wrong idea! He _isn't _'my little fox'. jeez, he makes me sound like a kinky old man. Once again, I should be focusing on my food. Or else I may look up and look someone in the eye. And that could be fatal for them, since I'm pissed off, they could be sent into mangekyou world. And then they'd be pissed off too. So I come to the conclusion that I must not look anyone in the eye, and I must pay my food the up most attention. Because really it deserves it. Its really nice food, much better then the going mouldy bag of chips I had yesterday. I hated those, I had one and let Kisame eat the rest. I poke at the food and pop a couple of peas in my mouth.

Shit! These peas are stone cold! Oh, that reminds me…

"Kisame?" I say, looking up, I'm still pissed off at him, and I'm not quite sure how stone cold peas reminded me of this, but I'm curious. "What colour does Rudolf's nose go when he has a cold?"

Yeah, I know, I've been wanting to know the answer to that ever since I accidentally said it as a joke. Those jokes that I've been practising! Next time I see him I'll make him laugh _with _me, not at me! Anyway, Kisame is just staring at me blankly, and I'm really trying to be patient, but he doesn't look like he's about to answer. I'm just about to yell every swearword under the sun and tell him to hurry up or I'll mangekyou his brains out- of course I would do this in a more Itachi like way- when that brat Tobi enters the room looking like he just had very horny sex and then was chased by about a dozen bulls. Seriously, what the fuck happened to him? Of course I want to express my views on this subject, so I raise my eyebrows.

"Itachi Uchiha?" he asked uncertainly, I nod in a very nonchalant way. 'cuz I'm cool, and don't desperately want to know who he's fucking and what the hell he wants me for. "There's a mission for you sir."

Kisame and I go to stand up when the kid adds, "One for you and Zetsu."

As Zetsu gets up I look over at Tobi, Deidara's just come through the door (funny, I hadn't notice the 'artist', I cough slightly, was missing), and he's smirking down at Tobi possessively. I turn away to hide the grin that's taken over my face. Looks like I'm not the only one after a blonde. No! wait! I'm not after a blonde! (that include Naruto!) stupid brain!

I glare at Kisame, he's the one who put these retarded ideas in my head. But again, he doesn't seem fazed as he plays with the handle of his sword. One day I'd like to steal that sword off him and give him a taste of his own unfazed medicine. Its tempting to poke my tongue out, but that would be too childish, even for me.

Still, I think as I glance over at Tobi again, it's strange I'd be given a mission with someone other then Kisame, and even stranger to be given one to do with Zetsu, who's so solitary, like a lone warrior. I wonder what's going on. Tobi, of course, leaves the room, since nobody likes him anyway. Well, Deidara obviously does, but that dick doesn't count. He sits down next to Sasori and is immediately questioned by the other Akatsuki members as to where he was and, most likely, why Tobi looks like he just orgasmed about eight times in the space of a minute. The can be like teenage girls sometimes, then again I desperately want to know if Deidara confesses, so I can't really talk. But anyway, work comes first! I glance at Zetsu, oh fuck, isn't he the one who eats people? I flinch and half-heartedly wave at Kisame before following plant guy out of the room… he better not eat me.

And so now we're jumping from tree to tree on the look out for some pink-haired Konoha bitch who was retarded enough no to realise she has a friggen locator bug stuck to her ear that Orochimaru (that fucking, retarded bastard) accidentally placed on her. Put simply, if we get the bug we can study the technology that Akatsuki traitor is using. If all goes well then we can get the bug and no blood needs to be spilt. Although I get the feeling Zetsu might spill blood just for the hell of it. That, or he'll eat the girl. _Seriously, who the fuck eats people??_

I shiver involuntarily and stop next to Zetsu, keeping a safe distance of course, I see him around head quarters, but I never knew how much he scared the living shit out of me before I was sent on a mission with the freak. Then again, like every Akatsuki member, I'm sure he has his fan girls. I'm not sure how that happens, they do know we're mass murderers right? Its not like we keep it a secret.

Anyway, there she is, I'd say she's pretty but she not. This would be easier is she was alone, but she's with her team-mates. A greying man… hey look its Sasuke! And…

I raise may eyebrows, if it isn't everybody's favourite little fox-child. I wont deny it, he still intrigues me. Sure, he may hate me, he said so himself, but he also said it was nice to be able to hg someone without them pushing him away. Maybe its stupid, but since then I've wanted to sweep him up and hug him till it hurts. I never got the chance last time because I was so shocked, (I mean, I did kinda kiss him.) I'm _**NOT**_ in love with him, is swear. It's just kinda sad that he doesn't really know what a real hug feels like. He may hug people, but they never hug him back. I let the smallest of smiles take over my lips before I crush it completely and frown down at the four.

I know for certain that I cant just go down there and ask for the bug politely, for three reasons, maybe four, depending on how retarded this girl really is.

1st reason: Kakashi Hatake. He's a serious Jounin who will cotton on the fact that we want the bug to study the technology and not because we're sadists who collect bugs. And that would mean it would have to be Orochimaru's as he's the only one who's ever had the bollocks to betray us, and so the Akatsuki wants revenge. Well, I definitely want revenge on that cross dressing fish fucker. Anyway, then he wont give up the bug because its more then likely also going to be useful to Konoha, especially after that stunt the idiot just pulled on the village. I'm assuming they're pretty revenge bent too.

2nd reason: Sasuke. The second I set foot down there and Sasuke spots me I can be sure he'll start going off on an emotional spew about how I killed the clan and made him an emo child and although this is very amusing the reason I don't want that to happen is because it leads on to reason number three.

3rd reason: Naruto, if Sasuke goes off on one then Naruto will hate me even more. Which, as my mission is to make him laugh, isn't a good thing.

The 4th reason, which may or may not come into effect, is the pink bitch: Sakura Haruno. Put simply, if she screams, I swear I'll kill her.

Oh, and there is a fifth reason, the Akatsuki NEVER ask for anything politely. that's sort of a last resort… give us a break, we are mass murderers! Once again, I glance at Zetsu hesitantly, well, I would do, if he were still there. I look down at Naruto quickly (so I'm a little protective, sue me!) Zetsu's got him and Naruto's struggling… Fuck! Zetsu! don't _eat_ him!

Okay, now they're all looking at me… did I say that out loud? Oh, well don't they look cocky! I think, jumping down from the tree. Kakashi looks slightly surprised, the Frizzy pink haired girl looks like she _will _scream (I clench my fists at my side). Sasuke is, of course, glaring at me. (I don't think he knows any other facial expressions). Naruto's smirking, (cocky bastard), and Zetsu's looking at me like _I'm _the freak of nature. Oh, its tempting to punch him, but still scares the living shit out of me. He lets go of Naruto and Naruto runs over to… me?

What. The. Fuck?

I am tempted to swear my head off and go on a massacre but I just shut up and let him hug me. Keeping more of a mind to his chakra flow this time, in case he tries the same trick twice. My minds screaming that this is my chance, that I should wrap my arms around him, but my arms are dangling limply at my sides and stare at his lush, golden locks.

Bugger, Hey look kids! It's Itachi's alternate personality, the freaking poet! … shit.

I _almost_ growl, but imagine how perverted that would look. Hmmm… don't ask me how that reminded me of this, but what must my dear little brother be thinking right now? I smirk and look up at Sasuke, trying to ignore the way Naruto keeps rubbing his cheek against my chest, which feels great but is rather distracting.

Anyway, I look at Sasuke, I feel like squealing. Not only is Sasuke giving me the most threatening glare I've ever seen (it smashes mine into a million pieces and then runs over it in its Mercedes), but Kakashi looks murderous too, even the frizzy bitch looks annoyed. And while I'm fearing for my life Naruto still has his arms wrapped around my waist, adding fuel to the fire, (and more then likely watching it explode). Bloody Bastard. I glance at Zetsu and… oh crap! I want to cry! Please don't eat me! But wait, he's not looking at me, and now I do wrap my arms around Naruto. He looks up at me innocently but I'm not really paying much attention to him. Now, out of possibly getting kicked out of the Akatsuki and possibly letting Naruto get eaten, which sounds more inviting?

Yes I know I'm a fucking retard, but I actually can not help it. You don't have to rub it in.

Naruto is leaning against me and we are now in a tree, which seems to be our favourite chatting place.

"What are you doing Itachi?" he asks. I look at him.

"I'm saving you, idiot." yeah, _smooth _Itachi. Wait, why am I trying to be 'smooth' in the first place? Great, now he looks angry!

"I _AM _a ninja you know! I can save myself!" jeez, why do I even like this kid? No, wait, I _don't _like this kid. Dammit, he makes me confused! I pin him against the trunk to stop him from jumping back down to his team. Well… doesn't this look suggestive. No… ew, stupid thoughts. Oh wait, shit. What do I do now?

"Wanna hear a joke?"

"Not this again" he rolled his eyes! Bastard! "Just give it up!"

Ouch, that hurt my pride. Maybe I should try the puppy dog eyes. Ah, no, bad reaction, okay. I'll give up… he sighs.

"Fine, go on then." Yay! I promised I would make him laugh, and I will! I got this one of Deidara so its bound to work!

"What do you say the deaf gorilla?" Naruto looks at me for a second, before opening his mouth.

"Anything you want, he's deaf."

… … Tumbleweed … …

Fucking Bastard.

"Fine then, what's the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite?"

He stares at me like I'm a retard,

"That's not a joke"

… Oh yeah.

"Okay, what do you say to the woman with two black eyes?"

He smirks… oh, I'm getting somewhere!

"Nothing, you've already told her twice."

… Dammit, that bloody fucking bastard, does he know _everything?_

"Fine, what's worse then finding a maggot in your apple?"

His face screws up in disgust.

"Finding half a maggot in your apple."

"NO! GETTING SET ON FIRE! HA! I WIN!" I bet I look so smug, but look! He's smiling! Go for it kid, go on! Laugh!

… … … …

**YES!!**

I win! I win! I am the bloody winner! And he loses! While he laughs! What a way to go down! And talking of going down, how did he find ourselves back on the ground looking around at our angry team mates? Okay, I think its time to stop laughing now. Please, Naruto, really, it wasn't that funny… EEK! No! that _tickles!_ don't you dare tickle me you freaking bastard! Ah! No! for goodness (or badness) sake Itachi! If you laugh now I will personally offer you up as Zetsu's next meal!… wow, who the hell was that? Oh, it was me right? Conscience and all that? I wonder when I got one of those…

"Naruto." oh dear, the ice prince has spoken. My poor Naruto has stopped laughing. Wait… _my _poor Naruto? What the hell!? "I don't know what you're thinking, but he's a murderer, the bad guy. Get away from him." damn, Sasuke looks angry. I guess I really pissed him off with the whole family thing. Oh well, he'll get over it. Oh wait, Naruto obeyed. Ooh… Naruto obeying… ew no! perverted thoughts! When did I get to be such a pervert? Stupid kid.

Any who… oh shit! I almost screamed like a little girl. And trust me, if I wasn't an Uchiha, I would! Seriously, Zetsu just picked me up and dragged me off. I'm going to be eaten aren't I? I feel like crying. I'm too young to be eaten! Wait, am I too young to be eaten? Oh for the love of shit! That is _NOT _the thing to be thinking about right now! I should be fearing for my fricken' life!

Zetsu stops, and since he has a very firm grip on my hair, (yeah, ouch!), I stop too- slamming into him, (again, ouch!)

"Just thought I'd let you know that the mission was a success, I got the bug. No thanks to you." he lets go of my hair. Thank you to all things beautiful!… all things beautiful? What the heck? "I see you were too busy wooing the kyuubi child to notice…"

Wooing?! I was doing no such thing! Shit! I can feel the heat rise… in my cheeks you bastards. Oh my fucking days, I am Itachi U-fucking-Chiha! I don't freaking blush! And Zetsu's freaking smirking!

"I wont tell anyone!" he says, oh how very teenage girlish!

"I don't care, just don't eat me!"

Whoops… time to take my leave. In other words… RUN AWAY!!

**I hope that was enjoyed by the people who asked for a sequel. I enjoyed writing it. Thanks for Reading, Please Review.**

**Od23.**


	3. Chapter 3

-1**I Don't Think I'm Stalking Him**

**ItaNaru**

**Third instalment, was supposed to be the last one, but… I like them too much. I brought back the blasphemy by the way, doesn't seem like Itachi without it.**

I never really noticed this before, because usually when I see him I am trying to kill the brat, but he tends to attract the attention of older women. And I am not lying or exaggerating! He's avoided four kisses off some very strange ladies while I've been watching him. And why am I not trying to kill him now? Well, I'm just not.

No, I'm not stalking him. Fuck you. What I'm doing isn't stalking! It's… passing by… and spending a rather large amount of time observing him as I do… see, that's not stalking.

Anywho! As I was saying, he attracts the attention of older women, but he's completely oblivious, which is rather cute actually… cute? I need to stop hanging around with such feminine men. Damn Deidara! Why do I hang around with that sun of a… gun? Well, I just almost fell out of my tree at y lack of a swear word! By the way, doesn't it seem like wherever I go there are trees to hide in? there are trees everywhere! The world is being taken over by trees. Oh God no! Save the children! … I didn't just say that. I didn't! cough.

Anyway, so on with the damned story! Guess what? It's my birthday! I know, how sad, I grow another year older and nobody bothered to notice. (that may be because I killed everyone who would car… but hey!) I just turned 21 today, and I missed out on all the birthday treats as a kid, so I decided to give myself a treat and go see Naruto. Okay, that came out wrong! it's not that I overly enjoy going to see Naruto! It's just different from what I usually do! Yeah. -urgh, Deidara's rubbing off on me.

So, on this beautiful day which is the day I was born 21 years ago (I'm old! Tear!), if I was to stumble across a certain blonde, what should I do?

I know what I would like to do… that is to sweep him up in my arms, save him from that perverted sanin he's staying with, carry him back to the Akatsuki lair and there make him my kinky sex slave.

WOW! Hold up! When did I get this perverted? Even Deidara isn't this perverted! Who tainted me so? It takes a lot of effort not to cry like a little girl and shout that I'm just growing up to be a kinky old man (I'm sure we all have these moments), but by this time I have realised the object of my desi- thoughts, if just bellow my tree. Which is enough to shut me up. That is until someone says -

"Sir!!! Look at the EAR FRESSHNAAA!" I look around to see a little girl (very little) with huge eyes staring at me. I gave a great yelp of surprise (yeah, like you haven't done that in your pathetic lifetime!) I glance down at the kyuubi kid, wondering how the hell a little girl got into my tree.

"Sir!!! Look at the EAR FRESSHNAAA!" she repeats this four times, and then I look at her bloody air freshener! WHAT THE HELL?!?! That's not even an air freshener! It's a friggen doorbell! She's staring at me, please don't tell me I said that aloud.

"Sir! You look funny." she giggles, I glare at her. Stupid little kid.

"Santa isn't real." I say, she bursts into tears, I drop down about four feet away from Naruto, leaving her bawling in the tree. Oh yes, birthdays are great! I move a little closer to hear what Jiyaira and Naruto are saying.

"Hey Jiyaira?" what do you think of Itachi Uchiha?"

Well isn't that just a bloody coincidence? Heh, Kowinkidink. Yeah… anyway. I swear I'm not making this up! He's actually talking about me! What the hell? Jiyaira looks put out.

"He's an A rank Criminal, He murdered his entire clan and he-" he says something I cant hear, "His-" Again with the muttering! Naruto's eyes go wide with shock, but he already knows all this crap, so why's he so shocked?

"HE _ATE_ HIS _BOYFRIEND_!" Naruto shouts loudly. My eyes bulge. Ate? I'm not a bloody cannibal! And I didn't HAVE a boyfriend.

"I said killed! And I said best!" he shouts (well, that makes it much better! snort). People are beginning to stare. Naruto laughs.

"Oh sorry!… I'm hungry!"

Awww, poor Naruto! Are they starving you? Jiyaira rolled his eyes

"We only just ate!" … that's a 'no' then.

"But I'm hungry again!" Naruto looks really cute when he whines. Oh fuck, kinky thoughts coming back to me… urgh! Naruto jumps up and down and spots me… crap. To the trees! Bu my legs refuse to move again. Damn trees, betraying me! Naruto is… hugging me. Again! Why is it he always hugs me when I don't feel like hugging him?

"Watch it kid, you know I'm usually meant to kill you right?" yeah, smooth - I'm so good at this. (note the sarcasm)

Naruto grins. "But not today!" he giggles, "Happy birthday Itachi-chan!"

I… he… did he just? When did he? … oh my god. I blanch. Dear God.

"How did you know what today is? And don't ever call me 'chan' again…" yeah! "Kid."

Naruto grins. "I made Sasuke tell me! But don't tell him we talked okay?" how often do I see my brother? "he doesn't really like us talking…" Naruto trails off and a sudden bad feeling comes over me. I grab him by the shoulders.

"He doesn't hurt you does he?" I ask, Naruto looks confused, then shakes his head.

"He couldn't hurt me if her tried!" I give his shoulders a squeeze, feeling somewhat boyfriendish.

"I know you're strong! But he's not exactly weak! He never takes his anger out on you or anything?" I ask, Naruto breaks my hold.

"Stop treating me like a little kid! I can look after myself! Sasuke's never hurt me! But he's my friend and so if he asks me to stay away from you then I try! But I cant stay away from you and you know that! So all I want to do is make sure he doesn't know! So he doesn't worry!" people are staring - they have that habit - Naruto is shouting and I glance at Jiyaira of all people (not a pretty sight). He looks like he's about to attack me, so I nod at Naruto and take my leave. Back to my solitude as I stalk, I mean pass by, Naruto.

Yep, birthdays are great! Note: sarcasm. So far I've been harassed by a small female thing, accused of being a gay cannibal, introduced to the world of kinky-old-man-ness and I've made fox boy hate me. He disliked me before. He even told me so. But now I think he really must hate me. Note to self, never insult of accuse Sasuke of being a manipulative bitch in front of Naruto. Seriously? What's going on between those two anyway? Naruto has told me there NOT shagging, (even insinuating that Sasuke and I would have committed incest, which, by the way, is NOT true.) but the way Naruto just acted, its as if he would dare displease darling Sasuke-kun. I actually growl, and earn a very disgruntled look from the harassed looking mother of what looks suspiciously like quintuplets. God, that must have been one hell of a pregnancy. I shake my head, poor lady. I'd hate to be pregnant… yeah okay! I think we went off on one here. I wonder if I can get Naruto pregnant… Oh my God! Itachi you are such a fucking god-damned pervert! He's 13 for the love of life! You are here-by not allowed to even think the words Naruto and Pregnant in the same sentence! Jesus fucking Christ Itachi Uchiha!

Right, anyway, err… oh my god I still cant believe I thought that! I need a cold shower. Urgh, but seriously, I'm brooding. And no, I don't mean I want to get pregnant, I just TOLD you I don't want to get pregnant. Besides, its PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE for me to get pregnant. Okay, enough with the word pregnant. But I mean, I'm thinking. About Naruto - (duh, I don't think I'm allowed to think about anything else. I never stop thinking about him - that came out wrong)

Anywho, he said he couldn't stay away from me which either means one of three things.

1 = he's madly in love with me and couldn't bare to be away from me.

2 = he's stalking me.

3 = I'm spending too much time tracking him down and either trying to kill him or simply pass him by, meaning - I'm stalking him.

But I'm NOT stalking him, so by that conclusion it would have to be one of the other two, and those aren't particularly realistic no matter how appetising they are. Damn I'm smart.

But whatever the fuck happened to _**NOT**_ being in love with the brat anyway? Where's my good ol' friend denial?

Denial: Too busy working on the fact that you're oh so NOT stalking him.

…

Fuck off Denial.

Back to watching Naruto, we're now at a beach, and they haven't spotted me, because I'm stealthy, and ninja! Wait… I AM a ninja!!! Too right! Urgh! Naruto - goddammit! Get on with the fucking story Uchiha!

Right, beach, Jiyaira is laughing like a mad scientist - no surprises there. Wait, why are there no surprises? I confuse myself… anyway, and Naruto looks like he could shoot someone. Dear God, he'd make one scary manipulative wife! Jesus friggen Christ! One track mind much Itachi! But no, seriously, he crossed his arms! It's a very manipulative wife like gesture! And now he's making hand signs and - DEAR GOD NO…

Naruto! What have you done to your body? You look like some common slut! And is Jiyaira actually enjoying this? That pervert! Stay. The fuck. Away.

… how did I get down here? on the beach, next to Naruto, who has reverted back to his usual self - thank God - well, here we go again. Wrapping arms around Naruto's waist and back to the trees. Really, how could these tress ever betray me? *faithful*

"Ever heard of a conventional date? Like going to the movies? I'm getting tired of looking at bark… and really, did you ever think of asking if I even wanted to go with you before you kidnap me!?" Dear lord Naru scares me when he's angry, Naru? that's cute. But seriously, he's glaring - did the accusing of Sasuke piss him off that much? Well sure as hell I'm gunna take this abuse just for trying to save him and being worried about him!

"Well So-ooo-rry!" but your perverted sensei was so using you for his own sexual pleasures!"

Naru's eyes go wide and he smirks. Bastard.

"Jealous?" he asks, no… "Want me to do it for you?" he carries on, transforming again and pinning himself up against me. Ew… I look away.

"Don't do that to yourself! You're 13 for Christ sake!"

Naru pouts and changes back. Damn, I'm getting kinda serious aren't I?

"Fine." he says dramatically. "But it's only my sexy Jutsu! I use it to get Jiyaira to do what I want." he explains. Two words come to mind. Manipulative wife.

And Jesus Christ I will never cross Naruto or think of him as a weak child who need protection ever again.

"But anyway! As you're here! Happy birthday Itachi-chan!"

I cant even be bothered to tell him not to use 'chan' after my name. where had my pride gone? Tears. Wait… birthday? I'd almost forgotten. Heh. I put a hand in his hair. His soft, soft hair.

URGH! What the fuck was that? It's like the soppy Itachi-poet and the Itachi-kinky man combined! I don't even want to think of it! EURGH!" he giggles. How can he go from glaring his hate at me to giggling and wishing me a happy birthday in the snap of my fingers? "What shall we do to celebrate? I didn't get you a present, so you can have me!"

Wow, kinky overload! My EARS are red! I'm SURE he meant that innocently, but really! Dear God I need a cold shower right now!

He smirks. "That's nice."

Oh crap, don't tell me I said that shower thing out loud.

"It's a habit of yours."

I could just die…

"Don't do that!"

Goddammit!

And thus, Itachi and Naru took a cold shower together in which they did very naughty things, and Santa changed his mind after witnessing said things, (because he's a dirty pervert) and gave them both coal for Christmas! And then Itachi regretted telling the small female thing that Santa wasn't real, but he'd didn't regret doing naughty things with Naru in the shower…

WHAT??? No! No, no, no, no, no! we aren't going to take a shower, Santa ISN'T real and I will not do ANYTING with Naruto!… yet. But where did that even come from? Urgh! We're still on my birthday! Summer! If you want Christmas go to the next Chapter!

Will there be naughty goings ons in the shower?

NO! …but there will be cake.

**^^ couldn't resist! I feel I got too serious in this one. I was eating an apple while I wrote it. It was a nice apple. ^Laugh^**

**Hope you enjoyed it! Next chapter Is the Christmas update, I gave you two because I barely ever update, and it's Christmas!**

**^Love^**


	4. Chapter 4

-1**I don't Hate You**

**ItaNaru**

**Yippee! Christmas update! I didn't get to use the 'do you like cheese' quote last time, so it's in this one. I was talking to Marc about the last chapter, and when I read 'Like you haven't done that in your pathetic life time' he said 'Kudos on insulting your audience.' I didn't think I was insulting you. Itachi was just talking to himself. Sorry if you took offence. .**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, and I don't own the Christmas song.**

_Snow is falling, all around me_

_Children playing, having fun_

'_Tis the season, for love and understanding!_

_- _I can not get these damn Christmas songs out of my friggen head! Fuck that freaking shark! We are members of the Akatsuki, mass murderers, A rank criminals! - we are not the friggen Gospel Choir!

"Cheer up Itachi-chan!" shouts my new best friend (I really cant get rid of him, no matter how hard I try)

"Fuck off Tobi"

"But Ita-chan!" cut's in Deidara.

I silence him with a glare. Why do people think they can talk to me that way? Whatever happened to striking fear into people hearts with just a look? Whatever happened to my pride? Actually, I know exactly what happened. My forbidden relationship with Naru happened. Seriously, what are we? In a relationship? Does that make us boyfriends? Lovers? Mates? Or are we just two guys who like to flirt? And hug? And kiss sometimes? Since the beginning I have been very open and welcoming of this, and Naru's even suggested dating - sort of. But this relationship is forbidden on so many levels. Such as the fact that we're both guys. Naru's also only 13, giving us an eight year age gap, Naru's a Konoha ninja, I'm an Akatsuki member - which is a little like Romeo and Juliet, except they only had a one year age gap and if they weren't from rival families there relationship would be completely accepted. How do I know so much about Romeo and Juliet anyway? To be honest, I think its high time I was allowed to just scream!

AAARRRGGHHHH!!! I'm not GAY! I'm not a paedophile! I'm not a 13 year old girl! And I don't like 13 year old guys! Jeez!

Everyone's staring at me. Dammit! I REALLY need to work on the whole 'don't say things out loud' thing.

"Hey Ita-chan?"

Glare.

"Maybe you should get away for Christmas? Get away from it all?"

I'm not a stressed mother, but that does sound like a tempting idea.

"Here." Dei hands me two tickets, then leans in to whisper. "Tobi and I were gunna go, but we really wan to spend Christmas here, with our Akatsuki Family." ha! "So why don't you make good use of the opportunity with your blonde?"

I gape. Does everyone just _know? _First Kisame, then Zetsu, then Deidara and Tobi? Can't a guy get some privacy?!? I look down at the tickers anyway… Oh. My. God. How much of a pervert does Deidara think I am? Damn blonde winks. Well, I'm out of here and- BANG!

Ouch! Who the fuck… OHMYGODNARUTO! What the hell is he doing outside our lair? I should probably move him to a safer place. The trees. God, I love my trees.

"What the hell Itachi-chan! I'm kind of on a mission here!"

"You stay down there and you'll be in danger." - see, now that _was _smooth. Well done Uchiha! Naru is… on the hugging thing again. Does he ever stop hugging me?

"YOU DO CARE!"

… no shit Sherlock. Wait… I _DO _care. Ah, shit…

"Lets go away for Christmas." I can't believe I'm actually going to suggest this. "Just us, no stress, no Konoha, no Akatsuki." he looks like he's about to cry. Jesus Christ, what did I say now?

"THAT'S SO ROMANTIC!"

Fuck, I am going soft… damn Deidara! -ngh.

This place is huge! Gigantic! Wow!

"Look, look, Itachi-chan!" - and Naru actually _can't _shut up. "There's only one bed!"

I blanch. Fuck Deidara, that pervert.

"I'll sleep on the floor."

…

"That's no fun…"

When I said no stress I didn't think of the fact I'd be spending Christmas with Naruto did I? I'm going to get frown lines. And I'm torn between laughing and crying.

"Then you sleep on the floor."

He pouts.

"You're so old Itachi-chan!" what the- that little- I'm only 21! I could murder him sometimes! Like I'm supposed to… yeah okay, we've already gone through the fact that I cant kill him, so just fuck off will ya? Anyway, I need to protest? So what should I do? Yes, that's right, whack him round the head with a pillow! Yeah! -URGH! DAMN DEIDARA! Anyway, he hits back, and thus starts the pillow fight to end all pillow fights. Call me old now you fool!

"Ouch! Ow, ow, ow! Jesus Naru!" he stops hitting me - thank god! - but he's smirking, which is NEVER a good sign.

"Naru?" he says.

Fuck, I forgot your not supposed to just randomly give nicknames. "err…"

"That's cute. Your cute."

Mass murderer! I'm not cute! . he does realise we're technically enemies right? He flops down on the bed and looks at me innocently. Well, as innocently as you can get when your flopped on a double bed with your hair ruffled and your cheeks flushed (from the pillow fight!) and legs spread apart slightly. Damn bastard. - damn sexy bastard.

"Done your Christmas shopping yet?" asks the blonde. I shake my head, who would I have to buy for? "I've got gifts for everyone but you and ero-sennin" if I holding something I would have dropped it. That pervert teacher? He's still around?

"You don't need to get anything for me" I haven't received a Christmas present in years, I wouldn't know what to do with it! Heh! Naru stands up and leaps on me, wrapping his arms around my neck.

Close… contact… shit!

"Itachi-sama?"

Sama? Oh he is so doing this on purpose. MANIPULATIVE WIFE!!!! God, stop it with the pressing of your body up against mine thing will you Naru!? Its really… distracting. Fuck.

"Itachi-sama?" he pouts. "I if don't get you a present, then what do you want?"

I push him off me roughly.

"So no funny."

"But you could have anything you wanted."

"Stop it!"

"You're so cold!"

"I'm being responsible!"

"Well let loose! I know what I'm doing!"

"You're 13!"

Do we ever stop fighting? I glare at him, and he glares right back.

"Where are you going?"

"Out." I'm going Christmas shopping, if it means that much to him. I don't know what I'm getting myself into, but that damn blonde bastard has me wrapped round his little finger.

When I get back Naruto isn't here, so I wrap up the gift I got in the wrapping paper I got. Because I'm thoughtful like that! I don't know why everyone gets so worked up over Christmas anyway. The door opens and Naru enters. He glares at me.

I got Ero-sennin's present."

I glare at the table. Good for that bloody pervert.

"Hmmm…"

"It's only two days 'till Christmas, so I'll have to go home to give it to him."

My head snaps up so fast I heard the clicks loud and clear. Ouch. He's not even teasing! That bastard said he'd stay with me over Christmas! Meaning he doesn't go home until Christmas day had passed. Besides, if he goes home now that pervert might kidnap him. No…

"Make it a belated gift, he's old, he wont care."

"No."

That's it? No? "You don't need to go all the way back just for _him_"

"Do you know why we fight so much?"

Should I care? I know, it's my fault right?

"It's because you're so damn in denial of any feelings you have for me, yet you get so damn jealous!"

I'm not in denial, I know I like him more then I should do. But I am _not _jealous. This is simply a matter of pride.

"Fine. Merry Christmas. Go home if you wish." freaking bastard.

"You don't care?"

Okay, this is the point at which I snap inside.

OF COURSE I FRIGGEN CARE! We're supposed to spend all of Christmas together! I hate that you want you to go back to see that pervert. I hate that you spend so much time around my manipulative little brother, I hate that pink bitch you had a crush on, I hate the fact you have me wrapped round your little finger! And I hate the fact that I don't really care that much, because I don't hate you! In fact, I friggen love you.

Naruto jumps on me and I fall over. What the hell? He sits up and grins.

"I love you too you bastard."

… I really need to work on the saying things aloud thing. Although, I guess it's not ALL bad. Sometimes it's okay.

"Hey Itachi?" bliss!

"hmmm?"

"Itachi the cannibal! Do you like cheese?" cannibal? WHAT THE FUCK? CANNIBAL? Way to ruin the moment Naru!

"I, err… I guess?"

"Good! Because I brought cheesecake!"

And so we have cake - Yes!! CAKE! And Naru loves me - which SHOULD be slightly disturbing… but on the other hand YES!!! WAHEYY!!!

And we had a very good two days 'till Christmas!

Christmas:

"Merry Christmas Itachi-chan!"

Err…

"Open it!"

Rips open present… Oh. My. God. What the fuck? How does he think he'll get away with this…. Probably because he will.

"It'll be great!" no…

"I'm not doing it!" no…

"I'll do it!" no way! Has he never heard of pride? "Come on!"

Crap, this is going to hurt. "No, that's okay."

"Wimp."

I AM NO WIMP! - "Fine then! Just do it!" What am I DOING? "Get on with it!"

Ow. It freaking burns! Ow.

"You are such a wimp!"

Sigh - and now I have my ears pierced. All thanks to Naruto I look even more like a girl. Fucking bastard.

"Here." I shove the box unceremoniously into his hands. Serves him right since my ears feel like they're on fire! You cant just DO that to my EARS!

"OHMYGODITACH-CHANIT'SSOCUTE!!!"

Thank you shop lady…

Naru jumps on me, it's a habit of his, and hugs me. Mind the ears you bastard! But all is calm, Naru still hugging me, sitting on my lap. I lean down and kiss his forehead without really thinking about it.

"Hey Itachi-chan?"

Crap, was that not allowed?

"Hmmm…?"

"Are we together now? Like Boyfriends?"

I smile.

"Yeah, I guess we are."

- shit, I'm gunna die young.

**Okay, simple cute fluffiness for Christmas, not as funny as it could be. I know. But I wrote, and typed this in A DAY. It kinda all sort of just spilled out in a great GUSH. Hope you enjoyed it! I really can't tell you when I'll next update, cuz I don't know. - ha 'I Don't Know' XD but yeah, so, it'll be sometime before 2010. ^^ - Od23**


	5. Chapter 5

-1**I Don't Teach Too Well**

**Warnings: tonnes of swearing, shounen-ai, the usual. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

***smirk* This one was out of nowhere. Please be sure to read the A/N in the next chapter.**

I hate Christmas. I hate New Years. I hate every flipping holiday our commercial world has come up with. But most of all, I hate Valentines day, and the Akatsuki's pumped up, retarded ideas that go along with it. Especially Kisame and Deidara's.

"C'mon 'Tachi! Valentines is all about doing good and being with the person you love!" Deidara is sooo annoying. "Kiz's idea is good, so why don't you give up the tough guy act and help out those poor kids? Besides, I hear a certain blondes in the scheme. You may get to see your beloved Naru-chan!"

A swift whack round the back of the head does Dei a world of good, I'm sure! I hate to say it, but the bastard touched a nerve. I haven't seen Naru since Christmas, and I'll admit I'm a little moody about the subject. Probably because that bloody pervert, Jiyaira, cam and burst in a dragged him off! I was so ready to kick his ass into nest week, stupid old man! And to make matters worse, they strengthened security around Konoha and Naru hasn't even tried to contact me! It's nearly Valentines day already and me so called 'boyfriend' so nowhere to be seen! I pout without realising it, how is it that Dei knows more about _my _boyfriend then I do? I cringe, okay, so I'm not being girly at all. (I've missed you denial!)

"Go on Itachi! Think of the children!"

"I don't give a fuck about the children!"

- X -

And thus, I end up sat in an overcrowded classroom staring at a bunch of deprived orphans. I'm _supposed _to be their teacher. I've let my hair down, changed from me usually cloak into a red t-shirt, black jacket and jeans. And I'm wearing tinted glasses so that nobody will recognise me, since there are a lot of Konoha kids here, including Naruto and my little brother; who both look like they're here very grudgingly.

"So… erm, children?" yeah, like I know what the fuck I'm supposed to do or say. This has to be the most awkward experience of my life, and guess who's fault it is? - well done if you guessed Deidara and Kisame's! you get a gold star! (heh! I can so do this teaching thing!) anyway, I know Naruto recognises me because he keeps fucking smirking. It's kind of depressing that he recognises me, and my own little brother doesn't seem too. I have to smile a little at that, either Naruto's more amazing then I originally thought, or Sasuke's just that useless. Or both.

"Teacher!" a small, annoying child is tugging at my sleeve and I realise I've been spacing. I look down and mentally cry - it's air freshener girl. You remember her? I can't put up with this right now, I'm trying hard not to embarrass myself in front of a bunch of orphans as it is! Wait… she's an orphan? Well now I feel like shit. Aww! I told her Santa wasn't real. Damn, that poor thing! I pout. I need to get out of that habit.

"Okay guys and girls, lets play a game!" I see Sasuke roll his eyes from the back of the room. He, and Naru, who's standing beside him, are easily the oldest here. Naru looks excited, aw! He's so cute! And I am _such _a kinky old man! - damn Kisame!

I put a hand behind my back and pull something out from the lunch box Deidara insisted on packing.

"Okay, I have something behind me back. It's round, red, and juicy. What is it?"

I half expect someone to say 'round, red and juicy', just to spite me. The kids all look slightly confused, but then a kid with glasses who's near the front sticks his hand up. I wave for him to have a guess, it is kind of obvious after all.

"A tomato?"

I blink. I hadn't thought that it could be a tomato as well. (I suck at my own game!).

"No, it's an apple, but I like the way you're thinking." I reach in the lunch box again. "New one, it's small, green and hairy"

A girl with blonde pigtails shove's her hand in the air almost immediately. I give her the signal as I see Naru shove his hand in his pocket and start whispering with Sasuke out of the corner of my eye.

"Is it a gooseberry?"

How does she get _gooseberry_ so quickly? I give a shaky smile. "No, it's a kiwi. But I like the way you're thinking. Naru smirks at my repetition and I wonder if I just fell into a trap without even knowing it.

"Kay then sir!" he says, Sasuke raises an eyebrow at him, as if he wasn't sure the blonde would go through with it (whatever 'it' is). "Guess what I'm holding. It's round, it's hard, and it had a head on it."

Sasuke snorts and I make a face. Luckily, the kids look confused so I can guess they didn't get the joke.

"T-that's disgusting!" I choke out.

"It's a coin." Naruto grins cockily, and he nudges Sasuke, probably to show him how flustered I'm getting. "But I like the way you're thinking."

I cough a few times, and watch my darling brother try not to double over laughing. The kids still look confused and Deidara's just entered the room with impeccable timing as always. He's the assistant teacher by the way. Cuz really, it's not enough that they shove me in a classroom with a bunch of orphans, but they have to shove Deidara in there too. My. Life. Sucks!

"What's going on here then?" asks the hyperactive blonde (the elder of the two).

"Nothing, we were just playing a game." Deidara raises his eyebrows in a suggestive way and I am so tempted to flip him off, but then I remember I'm surrounded by a large amount of under ten year olds and stop myself. Dei just grins, so I promise myself I will definitely get him back when the small children have gone. And people wonder why I hate kids, you cant do anything _interesting _with them around!

"Okay kids!" shouts Dei, placing a brightly coloured box of something down on the nearest table. Most of the kids are sitting on the floor, or standing up, since the classroom is _overcrowded. _I myself have a chair, but it's small and plastic. "as we all know, Valentines day is coming up!" he grins. I don't. "So I thought we could all make a card for that special someone that we like!"

All the girls sigh dreamily, all they guys raise eyebrows and look awkward. Sasuke hits his forehead with the palm of his hand and for once in my life I totally sympathise with him. Dei takes out things from his magic box (not that I believe in magic) and I see cards in pinks, blues, yellows, oranges, reds and greens. I see glitter in all of the above , I see stick on love hearts, smiley's, stars and googly eyes. I see stencils, glues, tissue paper and LOADS of felt tip pens.

I feel slightly sick looking at all the 'gushy' stuff, but I hand it all out anyway and before long all children are working on their Valentines day cards. Sasuke rips up the yellow paper Naruto hands him to make his and glares. I feel like doing the same thing when Dei hands me bright pink paper.

"Why not make one for your special someone?" he giggles, I glare. "go on! Make a card!"

And so I do, it reads:

To Deidara, Fuck off. Love Itachi.

I hand it back to him with a painfully fake smile, he reads it, grins and then decides to cut off my oxygen supply with a particularly forceful hug.

"Oh my gosh! I love you too you big soft teddy bear!" teddy bear? That bastard!

My eye twitches quite dangerously. I look at all the blinking orphans, including Sasuke and Naruto.

"I'M NOT YOUR F-ING LOVER!!" I almost scream. No, I do scream. Deidara detaches himself from me.

"sorry 'Tachi" he says quietly, I can see him stealing glances at Naru and a hit him lightly round the head. He's just sooo annoying. "Let's go check on how the kids are doing!" he giggles, brightening up considerably. It takes a lot of effort not to whine that we're MASS MURDERERS. But I simply nod and begin to make the rounds. Pigtail girl has one signed from a question mark and addressed to a question mark as well, I'm guessing she means to the tall, dark and handsome stranger standing at the back of the room. Like every other girl in the room, she has her eye on my brother. Back to eye twitching. I'll repeat myself, why do people wonder why I hate children? What the hell's so fantastic about Sasuke anyway?

"It's the whole 'bad boy edge' thing he's got going on" I blink repeatedly at the blonde in front of me. I freaking like blinking. Bitch. Wait, when did Naru start telling me shit about Sasuke? Last time I checked the whole Ita/Naru/Sasu triangle was a taboo. Oh, since when the fuck did I care? And WHEN am I going to learn to keep me thoughts to myself and not say them out loud? Grr!

"So, do you like the 'bad boy edge'?" I ask quietly, trying not to sound insanely jealous. Which tends to happen a lot, even when I'm not jealous. I just hope to god neither Sasuke or Deidara actually hear me, because jeez that would be annoying since I hate Dei and can't risk Sasuke figuring out who I am.

"err… what? Sure."

So, there is something going on between him and Sasuke?

"Sorry Ita, I wasn't paying attention, what did you say?" I breath a sigh of relief, then glare some more. Glaring's so much fun!

"Jeez Naruto, your reaction time's longer then your attention span!"

Naruto's eyes narrow at me. I, for one, do not feel he has the right to glare at me. I'm the one stuck in this retarded scheme as a teacher, he has it easy!

"Why are you glaring Naru?" I ask begrudgingly, raising an eyebrow. Air freshener girl comes along with Deidara trailing her.

"Sir, sir, sir!"

I look down.

"Can you help me cut the card?" she asks cutely.

"Couldn't Dei do that?" I ask, she pouts.

"I want you to do it!" she says, holding out the scissors. Naruto grabs them away before I can take them.

"Sorry, but he has to be careful too, he's not allowed anything sharp, like a mind." he says spitefully, glaring at me. I just blink at him, Deidara blinks at him and then at me, and Sasuke comes up behind Naruto and blinks as well. I wonder if we can start a trend, the blinking trend!

"What the hell was that about?" I ask, just a little hesitantly. He continues to glare. "what?… an inferiority complex? Are you annoyed because I'm here in a position that has power? You make it out as if I have no mind, but if I didn't have a mind I wouldn't be the teacher!"

Naruto sneers. "Inferiority complex? Low blow Itachi, it's almost as if you're scared!"

"Itachi?" asks the ever loving little brother.

"Shut up Sasuke," Naru cutes him off before he can go on a rant. "Are you scared? But _no _that's right, you don't know the meaning of the word fear. But then again, you don't know the meaning of most words."

Who does he think he is?

"Look, I'm just asking what's on your mind… _if _you'll forgive the overstatement!" I attack back. Dei 'tsks', probably at me arguing with a teenager. Air freshener girl watches on as we glare at each other. Sasuke has also stopped blinking and is also glaring at me. I'm guessing he clicked that I just happen to be his older brother.

"What's on my mind?!" Naru all but screams at me, I'm tempted to run and hide or something because of the ferocity of it, but I'm trying to hold on to what little pride I have left, and this is when the small, seemingly innocent blonde goes into full blown rant mode (he may actually be worse then Sasuke when it comes to rants). And I am actually blown away by the fact he can shout so much.

"Well, first off you can stop being so arrogant! Although yes, I am surprised you have a real job as I was under the impression you just waited under bridges and scared little children!" Deidara sniggers and I shoot him an Uchiha glare. "you being here is SOOO not the reason why I'm angry!"

I raise an eyebrow, "then why are you angry?"

"Why am I angry?!?" I nod, that is what I asked, well done clever clogs. "I'm angry because we" - he point's between the two of us - "are supposed to be lovers!"

I avert my eyes from the stares of my brother and the orphans, and the triumphant smirk from Deidara. I don't really get Naruto's _point, _so I'm half glad when he continues.

"I wasn't sure, I figured lovers love _**each other **_ and so I'm confused as to why you two" - he points between me and Deidara. - "look more like lovers then it seems we ever will." his eyes have begun to fill with tears and I avert my eyes again. I hate it when he cries. And I swear to God I am about to open my mouth and say something to console him, and tell him there's no way in hell I'd like Deidara even a quarter as much as I like him (jeez I'm such a sap) but I don't even get a chance. Naruto's enveloped into what looks like a bone crushing hug by the other blonde.

"Oh Naruto-kun! You're sooo adorable! I can see why Ita-chan loves you! Oh _**sweetie! **_you've nothing to worry about! We were just kidding earlier on, teasing each other ya know? He really is in love with you and if he doesn't tell you that every single day then you just come see Aunty Dei-chan and I'll short him out for you okay?"

Naru gives me that 'okay, I forgive you, save me!' look, and looks thoroughly scared. All I can think of is that;

1. Deidara shouldn't just spurt out my feelings to people.

2. There are a bunch of orphans watching.

3. One of those orphans is my brother.

4. Shit.

5. Why did Deidara call himself 'Aunty' -he's a guy! And we're mass murderers!

Naru breaks free and tackles me. "I'm sorry, I love you, I forgive you, please forgive me, I know you'd never cheat on me with Aunty Dei-chan! Here's your valentines card!" wow, he picked up on the 'aunty Dei-chan' bit pretty quickly. That seemed to come very naturally. He shouts it all into my chest and nuzzles! I cringe as I see Deidara grin at the orphans.

"And that's what love is kids!" he says cheekily as I take the orange, black and red card that Naru hands me. Inside there's a drawn picture of us at Christmas. Dammit! I love Naru some times! I look at the kids, I think we gave Sasuke a heart attack.

Yeah, I don't teach too well. But it's not all _that _bad.

"Hey 'Tachi-chan? When did you get your ears pierced?"

"Hey Itachi? Where's my Valentines card?"

On second thoughts, one hyperactive kid's enough. I hate teaching!


	6. Chapter 6

-1**I Don't Swing That Way!**

**Warnings: tonnes of swearing, shounen-ai, really AWKWARD (and down right sexy) position in this chapter. XD**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, or Lady Gaga's song 'just dance'**

**A/N: just a little note to say, the 'I Don'ts' now officially have a plot line! (gasp). Yeah, up 'til now we know that Ita and Naru met and started a 'love/hate' relationship. They've had a bumpy ride from some time in spring one year to February the next! But hey, they stick together because love conquers all! Or some cheesy crap like that… well, hold on to you seats folks because not only is the story about to get more cheesy, more serious and will actually have a plot, it may well lose some of it's humour! (double gasp) especially in chapters 13, 15, 19, 20 and 21. (all those pretty chapters!) I know this is a humour story, but now the plot has hit I can't NOT do it. If you stick with the I Don't anyway, you are legends. - and Itachi will make you pancakes! **

**(Itachi: nobody gets that except nee….)**

**(Me: oh… well, nee, if YOU want pancakes you just need to piss off my DARLING husband… I miss our scripts! Come back to me!!)**

**Happy belated Birthday Nee-chan!**

**Also, this whole thing hit me when I was shopping in ASDA. I started giggle like a school girl in love right in the middle of the store and people kept giving me funny looks. XD**

**Sorry for the REALLY long A/N. On with the story!**

_I've had a little bit too much, all of the people start to rush by! _

This song pretty much sums up how I am right now, except for the fact that I'm not dancing and I'm not gunna start dancing just because they song freaking tells me that that's gunna make everything alright. Stupid fucking song… but yeah, I'm probably pissed out of my ever loving mind by now. Yes, I'll admit I probably had a _little _bit of a drinking problem, but I firmly believe every soul just lost and needs some soft of stimulant to calm them - pfft! Yeah right! I'm here chugging back the alcohol at 3 minutes past 12 because today is the worst day of the year. It's actually Valentines day! In a mere few hours (about 7 really), the rest of the world will be waking up to go join their lovers, or to wallow in their self pity.

It's the day I'm forced to realise that I have a hyperactive, underage, cheesily romantic as hell boyfriend who calls one of my best friends 'aunty' _waaay _too easily, is best friends with my brother, (who hates my guts), is a citizen of a village that's after my head and hey, lets not forget the organisation of mass murderers I belong wants me to pretty much assassinate him. It's just your typical 'my boss would so fire me if he found out' situation.

But wait, no, it's not true. I'm not sat here drinking my way to death because it's Valentines day and my boyfriend just happens to be the most inappropriate person. Nor am I selling my soul to the 'devil', also known as 'Alcohol' because every time I close my eyes images of him come to mind that would be rather questionable in a court of law should he chose to sell me out as some kind of paedophile. (cough) having him on the kitchen floor is my favourite so far. (cough) I'm not even drinking because I actually just _said _that! Nope - I'm getting pissed because before Naruto came along I was _not _gay, and I just got a very forceful reminder of that fact.

My X- girlfriend (yes, well done, I DID have a life before I met Naruto), has decided to grace me with some absolutely LOVELY pictures of her and her new boyfriend. In bed together.

Now, I'm not too annoyed about the fact that she's got a new boyfriend. Nor am I overly pissed off about the pictures. I'm just confused as to how I went from being perfectly straight and enjoying the company of the opposite sex. To liking Naruto - and only Naruto. And _really? _do I like Naruto? Last time I checked I didn't swing that way! So what changed?

I slump down the wall, nope! I've decided, I'm as straight as ever! I don't swing that way. I still like girls and I have to tell Naruto this - there's no point in giving the kid fake hope after all! I nod to myself and close my eyes. 10 past 12 is really late… or is it early?

- X -

Mhmm… Naru looks so… delicious like that. Such innocent eyes on such a sexy body, when did we even get into this position anyway? Do I really care? I think as I trail kisses all over his exposed body. I've wanted this for so long now.

"I love you Naru." I whisper in his ear, grinding and biting. Kissing and sucking…

"Dammit Itachi." he says, his usually childish voice gruff with lust. "Stop with the romantic crap and screw me into the sheets!"

I wake up to small, persistent knocking at the door. Where did Naruto go? Who the fuck would be knocking at this time of night? isn't it raining? My house is on the outskirts of nowhere, how did they even get here? The knocking continues and now I'm just pissed that they woke me from a damn good dream. Not that I swing that way or anything.

I grudgingly make my way to the door as the knocking gets louder, I swear to god, whoever's on the other side of that door I'm going to fuck-

"…Naruto?"

Well, doesn't _that _sound like a good idea.

Wait, no! God dammit! I don't swing that way remember! Gah!

Naruto looks like the embodiment of pissed off about as much as I look like the embodiment of just pissed. So rather a lot.

"Look Itachi, I don't want to know which way you don't swing, nor do I care why the hell your living in a cottage in the middle of nowhere, and I don't particularly give a shit about why you look like you just drank your weight in alcohol. I am wet. I am cold. And I have the most annoyingly itchy bug bite on my thigh that I can't scratch because every time I do it looks like the fucking touching myself!" he pants slightly, and after that speech all I can think of is that I _really _need to stop saying things out loud, and do I really look that bad? Naruto glares - "let me in!"

I step aside. I believe I said before now that Naruto sometimes reminds me of a manipulative housewife, this is one of those times. I blink at his back as he stomps on and makes himself at home, and I wonder if he would act like this if he had knocked on someone else's door. He slips into one of my two old, moth-eaten arm chairs and begins feverishly scratching his legs, and then pretty much every other place on his body, like his neck, knees, arms and back. With every knew itch he becomes more frustrated, letting out cute little growls.

No. _not _cute.

"Dammit!" Naru groans, "I can't freaking reach them." he explains, trying to reach the very middle of his back. He shoots me a sideways glare as if it's all my fault.

"Don't get me wrong. I love being a ninja - but I'll admit I like it better when we're staying in five star hotels then I do when we freaking _camp!" _he goes back to scratching.

"Your right." I say, then pause because I'm surprised that I can actually still talk in my present state of mind - the alcohol induced state. "Campers are just natures way of feeding mosquito's."

He giggles sweetly, but it soon turns into another groan as he attacks his arms and legs again. I blink, he's so cute and vulnerable like this. Damn it! Don't. Swing. That. Way!

"You know Naru…" right! I have to tell him! "You see…"

He blinks at me with those big, innocent blue eyes. Fuck it Itachi! Stop being such a sap!

"What is it Itachi?" he asks, still scratching he knees.

"I…" I don't swing that way, right? "… It will just get worse if you scratch it."

Dammit, what that fuck was that? Naru scowls at me,

"I cant stop!" he exclaims. I know if he carries on he'll just make them bleed though. So I stroll over and catch his wrists. He squirms.

"Don't be a jerk! They freaking itch!"

"I have some cream that can help."

"I already tried that! It takes time to work and so I just scratched the cream off!" he pouts, I roll my eyes, I'm getting used to the puppy dog look. I drag him to the bed and use some bandages from my first aid kit to tie him to the post. No you fuck-tards, I'm not being kinky, if he can't use his hands to scratch then he wont. Simple logic. I leave the room and hear him yell 'Itachi you kinky bastard, get back here and untie me!'

It's times like these when I'm glad I don't have neighbours. I come back with the cream and 'tut' at him.

"Will you at least stop swearing?" I ask, he smirks.

"Like you can talk!"

- touché

I try to hand the cream to him, but he just glares.

"Very funny."

I realise way too late that I've tied him up, and therefore he cant apply the cream. If I'm going to go through with this (will I will because I'm as stubborn as a mule) then I'll have to apply the cream for him.

"did you just 'eep'?" he asks, I shake my head feverishly. I didn't! so, I uncap the lid and squeeze some onto my fingers. I'll start with the one on his neck. It wont be so bad.

As gently as I can I press the cream on my fingers to the bite on his back and spread it around a bit, but don't rub it in. Naru squirms. I stop. He looks away and says 'it's cold' as an explanation. I'm willing to believe that, after all I have it on my fingers. I know it's cold.

We repeat this on my arms and ankles, then comes the problem of the bites underneath his clothes. I hesitantly unbutton his jacket and lift up his t-shirt so I can reach the one in the middle of his back. He's gone quiet now, and I can see the blush spread across his cheeks, I feel like I'm blushing too, not that I swing that way! He squirms a lot as I apply the cream to the bites on his sides, so I can pause again, but start spreading it around. Then he giggles. I stop.

"A- are you… ticklish?" I ask. Naru glares.

"M-maybe a little."

Somehow I find this undeniably adorable! But I don't swing that way!

"Well, deal with it, it's for your own good." I say dramatically and use an elastic band to tie Naru's shirt together so it doesn't fall down and rub away the cream. It's amazing what you can do with an elastic band! I get up to leave but Naru's glare stops me.

"What?" I ask.

"There's another one!" he says and I'm about to ask where, when I remember the one on his thigh. I blanch, but nod. I go to roll his trousers up some more (they're already past his knees since I already did those bites) but Naru rolls his eyes.

"It's way too high up, you'll have to take them off."

I blink a few times. Then:

"what?" I squeak. Naru rolls his eyes again.

"don't worry, I'm wearing boxers." are his only words of comfort for the guy who's slowly undressing him while trying to convince himself he's straight. I curse silently, but begin to unbuckle his belt, unbutton his trousers and slowly push and pull them over his cream covered knees. My face goes up in flames looking at the blonde, half naked and tied to my bed. So much for Uchiha's don't blush. If my father could see me now, he'd probably skin me alive. I squeeze some more cream on my fingers and spot the large mosquito bite on his inner thigh. I bite me lip and lean in, pressing the cream to the bite in the most delicate way I can. My breathing hitches.

I don't swing that way. I don't swing that way. I don't swing that way. I had no idea applying bug cream could be so erotic. Naruto's tanned, slender legs spread slightly wider so I can reach the bite better. I gulp.

I hear the door go, but there's no where near enough time to change my position, or even to pull my hand away before Deidara's staring at us, with Tobi in toe. (I knew I'd regret it the day I gave him a key).

"AUNTY DEI-CHAN!" Naru squawks, clamping his legs together, effectively trapping his hand in between his thighs. I'm too frozen with shock and absolute terror at being caught in this position with an underage boy to say anything. Deidara turns around and faces my arm chairs and then grabs Tobi and makes him turn too. I can already imagine the how next Akatsuki meeting will turn out. Dei addresses the arm chairs, but he's talking to me.

"should have expected something like that, 'tis Valentines after all." Tobi lets out a giggle and I try to say something like 'it's not what it looks like!' but Dei hold up and hand and silences me before I can finish. "Just came to say that the next meeting is in two days. You and Kiz are supposed to be catering. Sasori says he liked the pancakes you made last time." I blush again, suddenly very bashful. Dei waves over his should and he and Tobi leave. As soon as the door clicks shut I hear their laughter. I look down at my hand in between Naru's legs. He looks to shocked to move.

I don't swing that way. Yeah right!

**The fact that Deidara and Tobi are together on Valentines day is another hint at their relationship. It's the smallest one in the WORLD I know. But hey! XD also, the inspiration for this was the fact that I have a REALLY annoying bug bite on my knee. (sigh) unfortunately for me I do not have any bug cream, or a sexy Itachi to apply it for me.**

'**Til next time folks!**


	7. Chapter 7

-1**I Don****'****t Like Flowers****…**** Much**

**Warnings: Tonnes of swearing, Shounen-ai… loss of some of the humour. ^cries^**

**I am a firm believer that no one is unhappy when receiving a bunch of flowers, which is the idea behind this title. But the title doesn't really have much to do with the content of the chapter. Te he. Also, at the end I'll tell you the month's each chapter took place in. I'm going to start leaving the 'story date' at the top of the chapter. ^love^**

**A/N: In this story no one knows Tobi's true identity, and they are all deluded into thinking he's younger then them! XD And Tobi humours them.**

**February 16th**

Deidara's a prick. A full blown, annoying as hell, bitchy, blonde prick! I mean, for God's sake, it was bad enough with just Kiz and Dei teasing me, with the occasional snide comment from Zetsu. But now Dei's bratty fuck-toy Tobi is now officially 'in' on what must be the biggest scandal ever to happen in the Akatsuki! And he won't. Shut. Up! With every other pestering question and suggestive comment I want to remind him that I'm not the only one fucking a blonde… not that I'm fucking Naruto… oh my God! I can't believe I just thought that! I shake my head to rid myself of the images, and have to wonder, if Deidara's 'Aunty Dei-chan', does that make Tobi 'Uncle Tobi'?

Tobi tilts his head to the side as if I've just said something really strange, and knowing me I've probably been thinking out loud again and he's wondering what the fuck I mean by 'Aunty' and 'Uncle'.

We're sat next to a lake in some random park, I'm sat with them in an informal semi circle around me, like they're interrogating me, (which they are). _Them_ being Kiz, Dei, Tobi and a very sleepy Zetsu. To any passers by we're just a bunch of full grown men having a picnic. Cuz ya know, that's not an unusual occurrence at all! - note the sarcasm.

The real reason we're here? Simple. Pre-Akatsuki-meeting-interrogation over tea and biscuits. Minus the tea and biscuits.

"So, Itachi-chan!" squeals a hyper Tobi in my ear, this is the first Akatsuki meeting he's been allowed to go to, so he's very happy at the moment.

"Where do you get off calling me -chan?" I shout childishly, although that's sort of allowed, since I'm second youngest here. Tobi being the youngest. The brat just smiles and carries on.

"Right, sorry, only Naruto-kun can call you that right?" he asks slyly, and I'm just about to nod when I realise what he actually said and glare instead, remembering a time when Naru did go through a stage of calling me that. And how come Naru get's -kun when I get -chan? I glare some more. The brat continues on what he was saying again. "Still, how can I be your uncle if I'm younger then you?"

I roll my eyes, I just knew I'd said that out loud! Zetsu snaps out of his sleep to answer the question for me. Good Zetsu! I'm tempted to pat him on the head like a dog, but I'm still afraid of being eaten.

"You being Itachi's uncle is actually possible, as age makes no difference. A mother could have a second child after her first child has grown up and had children. Although the scenario is unlikely." he says matter-of-factly, "However, I believe Itachi was talking about you being Naruto-kun's uncle." Tobi looks a little confused, and I have to inwardly laugh at the 'what the fuck' look he gives Dei, who looks like he really can't be arsed to explain the whole 'Aunty Dei-chan' thing. Dei might love fucking Tobi, but they barely ever really talk. Of course my momentarily good mood is crushed when Kiz says:

"Yep, and even _you__'__re _older then Naruto-kun!" - I glare some more, okay… so it's the truth, but does he have to make me out to be so paedophilic? Yeah! (I hate Deidara for that ANNOYING habit) okay… so maybe being in a relationship with a 13 year old is a little odd, but still!

I fall back onto the grass and look at the sky. I have little over two hours to get these guys to stop talking about said odd relationship before we all have to assemble in front of the big boss guy and get new orders. And in my case, probably a scolding about the fact that I haven't 'captured' Naru yet.

- X -

Pein's a pretty scary guy. I mean, firstly - his face looks like it's freaking MADE of metal. Secondly - his voice makes me feel like I'm walking on nails and jagged stones. And lastly, - his name is pronounced _**PAIN**_.

I look around the room, letting my eyes rest on each member in turn, we're in a perfect circle in what looks like a cave. We're not really there, but with the Jutsu working, it does feel like we are.

Next to me is my partner, Kisame. And next to him is Sasori (who I haven't seen in ages) and his partner Deidara. Then it's Hidan (barely dressed as usual) and Kakuzu, his partner, (who's probably dressed way too much). Then Konan and Pein (As much as I'd love to describe these two in my typical way, I'm afraid they'll read my thoughts and murder me for it… wait, I kinda DID just describe them in my usual way didn't I?). After Pein is Zetsu, and where Orochimaru used to stand, on the other side of me, is Tobi - who's only here because Deidara begged. Personally, I'd rather look at Tobi's spiral mask then Orochimaru's snake like features. Orochimaru's almost as scary as Pein. Almost.

But yeah, metal-face has been telling each member their orders and congratulating them on one thing or another since we got here. Now he turns his (freaky) eyes on me. I gulp slightly and let out the breath I've been holding. I fucking hate these meetings.

"So, Itachi, Kisame… you haven't yet captured the nine-tails I see." I inwardly wince and I hear a few giggles from around the room. I feel like a school boy being told off for not doing his homework. But I'm so not going into the naughty school boy thing (which Deidara once suggested was the kinky spin on mine and Naru's relationship - which it so isn't!) my face heats up at the idea of a kinky relationship with…. With Pein of all people! That's just wrong! I shake my head and scrunch up my nose. Ew!

Pein gives me that 'are you feeling alright… freak' look and carries on, luckily he pays no attentions to his workers laughing.

"Care to explain why the nine-tails is still free?" he asks.

"He's… slippery" is all I can think to say. Laughter erupts from around the room again, and those not laughing are looking confused. I look down at my feet before I can stop myself, and then can't bring myself to look back up.

"What's so funny?" Konan eventually asks Tobi, who's giggling the most. The brats snaps his mouth closed instantly and shakes his head.

"Sooo not my place to say!" he says and for a fleeting moment I feel like I could kiss him. Then I remember it's TOBI.

Pein talks directly to me again, and I feel victimised since I'm the one he's glaring at but Kisame's my partner and he had a part to play too! It's as if he already knows I'm not even trying to capture Naruto.

"Well, if you feel you've met your match in this child then I will put Kakuzu and Hidan on the job." he says emotionlessly. I clench my fists. There's no way I'm letting those immortal freaks go near Naru.

"No!" I shout before I can stop myself, and I decidedly ignore the smirk Deidara sends my way. "I haven't met my match! You don't need to get anyone else to do it. We'll handle it, we just need a little more time!" I feel like I'm begging for approval, but I'm really begging for a chance to save Naru. Because Hidan and Kakuzu are the no mercy types, and if they went after him then Naruto would have no chance. Pein seems to consider me for a while.

"Why so determined?" he asks after a elongated amount of silence.

"It's a matter of pride." I lie in response, staring him straight between the eyes. After a long time he nods once.

"You have until June 9th Itachi Uchiha. Meeting adjourned."

And just like that we're spiralled back to the lake in the park. I open my eyes and avert them from the other Akatsuki members, I have until my birthday to some way to dodge Pein? A hyperactive blonde gets in my line of vision and it takes me a while to realise it's not Deidara. In fact, I only realise it's not Dei when he sits on my lap, gives me a bone crushing hug and demands to know what's wrong. I don't know how Naru got here, but I'm not really worried, he always just seems to find me when I need him too. I wrap my arms around him and hug back, ignoring the 'aww!'s' that the other men shoot our way (they're being sarcastic I'm sure, because grown men do not say 'aww') what am I going to do when June comes around?

"What's wrong Itachi?" asks Naru again, I shake my head and give a fake smile. Luckily Deidara makes his presence known to the other blonde, or else I know Naru would have pestered me more.

"Hi Naruto-kun!" Dei shouts loudly, and Naru blushes furiously, probably remembering a couple of days ago on Valentines.

"How's your bites doing?" asks Tobi, which makes Naru blush harder and Kisame to raise an eyebrow. "I'm Uncle Tobi by the way!"

Naru looks from Dei to Tobi and says:

"I didn't know I had to many relatives in the Akatsuki." then a look of annoyance crosses his face, "I've been an orphan since birth, couldn't you have come along a bit sooner?"

Dei and Tobi share identical looks of sudden sadness, they drag Naru off me and start hugging him and apologising, like they really are his uncle and aunt. Then they begin playing, tickling him and not what, ignoring his protests. I decided to follow the example and ignore his pleas for help, looking around the park for why he's here and who he's with. I spot Jiyaira sleeping under a tree. Bloody pervert isn't even training him right! I glare at the old man, but by June I know I'll be glad that he's always hanging around Naru. No matter how I look at it, he's a sanin. I hope he'll give Hidan and Kakuzu a run for their money.

A sad look must have crossed my face because the happy family are telling me to cheer up. I give them the 'fuck off and leave me alone so I can be an emo' look, but as always, the blondes are persistent.

"C'mon 'Tachi, you have 'till June, chill 'till then yeah?"

That idiot, he shouldn't say things like that out loud, not in front of Naruto.

"What's happening in June?"

- see?

"Nothing! I'm not annoyed." I say forcefully.

"But you are upset and worried!" Naru says, just as forcefully. "I can read you like an open book!"

"You can read?" I say spitefully, he scowls and the other Akatsuki member 'oooh' , so I back track. "Okay, that was uncalled for, but really! I'm fine!"

"You're a terrible liar Itachi."

Tobi picks up one of the pancakes Kisame and I made for Sasori (who didn't even come to our pre-meeting meeting) and nods in agreement. I stick my nose in the air. I don't care how much Naru pushes, I will not tell him anything about my deadline.

Naru seems to know I wont relent and stands up.

"Leaving so soon Naruto-kun?" asks Kiz dazedly. Naru glances back at Jiyaira and shakes his head.

"I still have a little time, so I'll be back in a minute if that's okay?"

Deidara hugs him again.

"Of course it is _sweetie!__"_ Tobi looks at me over Dei's shoulder and I think he may be a little jealous. But since Naru was originally jealous of Deidara and I, I know he has nothing to worry about. I give Tobi the 'Peace' sign, and then the 'Okay' sign, which is Akatsuki language for 'nothing to worry about' which we use on the battlefield. Unfortunately I'm caught by Deidara.

"Not talking about us are you?" he pouts, pulling Naru close again, just as the kid was about to escape and all. Tobi tugs on Dei's sleeve, which makes him let go of Naru - and needless to say the two spend pretty much the rest of the afternoon lip locked and tongue tied. I find it hard to believe no one saw this coming, but both Kiz and Zetsu look very shocked. I look for Naru's reaction, but he's already gone.

"Err… when did they…" Kiz can't even finish his sentence and is pointedly looking anywhere but at Deidara and the now unmasked Tobi.

"My guess is some time before may last year." Dei gives me a thumbs up, Zetsu looks like he's caught on and nods.

"Yes, the day I got a mission with you." he says, Kiz still looks confused.

"That day Tobia nd Dei entered the room at the same time and looked like they'd just finished some rough sex. That's when I figured they were fucking." I explain matter-of-factly to the shark. Kiz gives me a funny look.

"I don't pay that much attention, perhaps it's just your Gaydar?"

I whack him round the head.

He fondles the handle of his sword.

I apologise.

Naru pops up out of nowhere and I have to remind myself that yes, he is actually a ninja (while I'm having a heart attack that he can actually sneak up on me), and he shoves a bouquet of flowers in my face.

"Cheer up Itachi!" he says cutely.

"Err… Naru, I'm a guy - and a murderer at that." I state, Naru nods and gives me the same 'well done clever clogs' look I give him when he states the obvious. "Flowers?" I ask.

"Nobodies unhappy with a bunch of flowers!" he exclaims and pecks me on the cheek, shoving the flowers into my arms. Dei cat calls and Kiz laughs, I avert my gaze and laugh nervously.

"C'mon Naru, I'm a mass murderer! I don't like flowers!" I say, but pull him close so I can whisper in his ear, I don't want anybody else to hear what I have to say, and my deadline still weighs heavy in my mind. I put my lips to his ear so that no one can lip read, and say in a barely audible whisper "…much"

**Here's the dates: **

**Chapter 1 - April of the first year**

**Chapter 2 - May of the first year**

**Chapter 3 - June 9th of the first year**

**Chapter 4 - December of the first year**

**Chapter 5 - February of the second year**

**Chapter 6 - February 14th of the second year**

**Chapter 7 - February 16th of the second year **


End file.
